I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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