Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
