I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
