how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Randomize
