i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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