The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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