I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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