you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
