They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
