apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
