I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
