Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
