Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
