I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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