I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
