I can tuck mytits in my pants
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The uberlube is also flammable
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
