Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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