I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
