Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
