She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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