Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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