If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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