3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
