my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
