Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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