Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
