literally had 100 drinks last night.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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