i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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