Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
