She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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