just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
