Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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