Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
