Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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