Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
