also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
