I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize