omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
