There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize