i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
