totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
