I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
