I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
