If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
