Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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