Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize