is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
