There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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