also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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