Will you blow on my dice?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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