I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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