i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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