Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
