apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
