I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
