The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
