Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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