he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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