I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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