you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
