i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
