And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
