if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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