Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
