Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
