I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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